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My birthday, New Years’ Day and the Skoll World Forum. These are the three points in the year when I take time to reflect upon the progress I’m making in my professional life. Hopefully the reason the Skoll World Forum features in this list will become clear!
In April 2015 I proudly and excitedly watched my friend and colleague Alasdair Harris receive the Skoll Award for Social Enterprise. As his accompanying colleague from Blue Ventures and a first time attendee at the Skoll World Forum, this was a heady experience; I’d never experienced such interest in and support for our work. I made new friends, identified new partnership opportunities and learnt from other organisations about their journeys towards having impact at scale. I had become part of an exciting community of changemakers and I’ve been going to Oxford for Skoll World Forum week religiously ever since. This week gives me the opportunity to check in with myself and with this community, and explore whether and how I’m living up to my professional aspirations.
This year I was excited to go to Oxford in my new role; not as a “doer” but as an “enabler.” I now support climate, nature and social justice leaders to thrive, fulfil their purpose and create the change they want to see in the world.
In addition to seeing old friends and being a panellist at some great side events, I was looking forward to sharing my vision for how I am going to serve this amazing community of changemakers.
Initially, however, it all felt harder than I expected: harder to engage people on the subjects I wanted to discuss, harder to find the people I was keen to talk to, harder to find the spaces where my new offering seemed relevant.
It didn’t take long for my self-doubt to kick in.
Was I no longer of interest to people simply because I no longer worked at an award winning organisation? Had my value to this community been purely based upon the organisation I worked for, rather what I could contribute? Had I completely misjudged the value of my offering to this community? Did I still belong? Having benefitted so much from being part of this community, these thoughts were deeply unsettling.
Then something else happened. I noticed myself wanting to know how I was going to work at scale. Was this driven by an inner sense of purpose, or did I simply want to fit in because of a need for external validation that these fears were fuelling? I had always known that I didn’t purely want to build a business, that I wanted to find a way to support as many of these inspiring leaders and organisations as possible. My thoughts on how I will achieve this are still unfolding, but I suddenly felt a need to be able to articulate how I was going to do this. If you’re in Oxford for the Skoll World Forum, you’re working towards having impact at scale, right? Had I actually turned up at Oxford for the Skoll World Forum WITHOUT a credible pathway to scale??
My self doubt and inner critic were joining forces. The glory days of being part of an organisation that wins the Skoll Award felt like they belonged to a different life.
Thankfully, what I’ve learned about my inner world stood me in good stead. I’ve learned to notice, rather than react to, my thoughts. I’ve also learned that thoughts are not facts! Without doubt, it is possible to find evidence in support of whatever thought or belief that is holding sway in our minds, and this is the process by which we can become increasingly convinced of the truth of our beliefs (however far fetched). It is also important, however, to test our thinking, to explore alternative explanations for our experiences and seek out evidence for these alternatives.
Crucially, I’ve also learned that rather than staying “stuck in my head”, connecting with others always nourishes me and enables me to see things differently. Enriching conversations with old friends and colleagues reminded me of the beautiful community that sits at the heart of this ecosystem of changemakers. My experience has been that this community is built upon authentic relationships. It has been built through honouring our shared experience of trying to create change, through trust and generosity, through a willingness to share and to be present for one another.
Of course there are plenty of situations where we feel obliged to play a particular role, where complete authenticity might feel difficult (or even inappropriate), perhaps where we’re not sure how much to trust. But for me, truly authentic connections have dramatically outnumbered the more transactional interactions where I have felt unable to be myself.
These conversations reminded me that I don’t need external validation. They allowed me to look with eyes of compassion and understanding at my unhelpful inner dialogue and they enabled me to relax into the experience of Skoll Week. I was reminded that whilst I have plenty to learn, so much of what I need to thrive and to have meaningful impact is already within me. I am enough, and I am learning to trust myself as this new chapter of my career unfolds.
Conversations started to feel richer and I was able to navigate Oxford with the ease to which I had become accustomed. All of the panels were enjoyable and stimulating, I made great new connections and I felt a renewed sense of belonging that I’ve always cherished.
I came away nourished and energised, feeling truly grateful to be able to call so many of these inspiring people friends. Two months on, I continue to benefit from all of these conversations; intellectually, emotionally, spiritually. Most importantly, I’m able to have greater perspective on the anxious “awardee-turned-new-kid-on-the-block” who was desperately trying to prove his worth to a community he deeply values. To that version of me I would say: “You are enough. You have arrived. Welcome home. Now enjoy the journey.”
But what of impact at scale, I hear you ask?! I’m working on it… Challenge accepted!
